Money, relationships, and feeling ‘too thankful’
We all hear it, don’t we? “Be grateful. Count your blessings. Say thank you.” Gratitude is everywhere—on mugs, in newsletters, even plastered on motivational posters at work. And yes, practicing gratitude can make you feel lighter, happier, and more connected.
But here’s the thing… gratitude isn’t always all sunshine and roses. Especially when money or relationships are involved, it can sometimes trip you up.
I know this is going to rile a few readers up. Tapping into gratitude gives us the warm fuzzies. I do it myself when I’m feeling bit grumpy and hard done by and want to get myself out of that mode. I ask myself ‘what are three things I can be grateful for right now’. Once I have my three things, I do feel in a better space. So, when I found a psychology article talking about the not so good side of gratitude, it got me thinking, and I hope it will you as well.
I have no intention of stopping my practice of feeling grateful every day, I will just give more consideration to what I am being grateful for.
Doesn’t science tell us that for every action there must be a reaction? Electricity has positive and negative. Even in accounting things must balance, we have a debit and a credit. So why should gratitude be any different. It can’t all be positive, can it?
When can gratitude feel like pressure? Maybe you’ve lent a friend some cash or helped a family member financially. You did it because you wanted to help. But suddenly, there’s this invisible (subconscious) expectation that they must be grateful. And if they’re not, it can feel awkward, and we aren’t sure why, or worse, like they’re “wrong” for not showing enough thanks. That’s when gratitude stops being warm and starts feeling like a balancing act.
There’s even a phrase for it in Japanese: arigata-meiwaku, which roughly translates to “annoying thanks.” It’s that feeling when someone does something for you, but it ends up being more stressful than helpful. You’re supposed to be grateful, even if you don’t really want it. Sound familiar?
In relationships, whether with a partner, a friend, or family, gratitude can sometimes make you hold back. You might not speak up about unfair treatment or money issues because “I should be grateful, shouldn’t I?” That’s gratitude tipping into guilt. I see this in relationships where one partner earns significantly more than the other. Or the stay-at-home parent who also does all the household stuff to compensate for not earning an income.
It’s not just personal, either. We see it in workplaces, households, and social dynamics. People in positions of power often demand gratitude, and it can quietly shift the balance. You start feeling obligated, maybe even a bit resentful, but hey, you’re “grateful,” right? The unscrupulous employer who takes advantage of the employee ‘they gave a chance to when no-one else would’ and underpays and overworks them because they should be grateful that they have the job.
And it’s not always obvious. The change from gratitude to obligation creeps up on you, and often it’s only when someone else says something to you, do you realise there has been a shift.
Or, small things add up. You pay for dinner, help a friend with bills, or manage a partner’s expenses, and you notice they rarely say thanks. Over time, that “little thing” can start to feel heavy like your kindness is a chore, not a choice.
Feeling grateful is good—but too much can backfire. It can:
- Make you ignore your own needs or feelings.
- Keep you stuck in situations that aren’t healthy—financially or emotionally.
- Push you to give more than you want, just because you “should” feel thankful.
For example, if someone constantly reminds you how lucky you are to have them in your life, or how lucky you are for what they do for you, you might start downplaying your own concerns or staying quiet about money issues. Gratitude becomes less about joy and more about obligation.
Here’s how to enjoy gratitude without letting it take over:
- Be grateful for circumstances, not just people. Notice the small wins: a quiet morning, a cup of coffee, a weekend walk. That way, nobody can hold power over your feelings of thanks.
- Check expectations. If someone seems to want more gratitude than feels fair, pause and ask why. Gratitude should never feel like a rule or a weapon.
- Speak up when it matters. Money, chores, emotional support, if something feels off, don’t let “I should be grateful” stop you from speaking your mind. Being honest doesn’t make you ungrateful.
- Give yourself permission to let go. Sometimes it’s okay to release the “thanks” and move on. You don’t owe anyone your feelings, and holding onto forced gratitude can weigh you down.
The balance between gratitude and obligation shows up everywhere. In money matters, it can mean lending too often or over-extending yourself because you feel you should be thankful for the connection or role you have. In relationships, it can mean staying silent when your partner’s behaviour isn’t fair, because you’ve been reminded to appreciate “what you already have.”
Healthy gratitude, on the other hand, adds joy and connection without guilt or obligation. It helps you recognise the good without erasing your needs. It keeps relationships honest, fair, and mutually respectful, whether that’s financial boundaries or emotional support.
Gratitude is a wonderful tool but it’s not a magic wand. Don’t throw away the gratitude journal, instead use it wisely, to boost happiness, improve relationships, and even help you make smarter financial choices. If you use it blindly, it can tip power in someone else’s favour or make you feel guilty for wanting what’s fair.
Go ahead and notice the good, count a few blessings tonight, and give thanks where it feels right. But remember, the best gratitude is the one that leaves you feeling lighter, not trapped. Your boundaries matter. Your feelings matter.
Feeling better? Good. You can thank yourself later.