We don’t all think the same about money

One of the biggest surprises people have when talking about money, whether with their partner, parents, children, or even friends is discovering that not everyone sees money the same way.

This is why the simple message of spend less than you earn, makes perfect sense to some, and complete baffles others.

We think we are talking about dollars and cents, but we’re really talking about identity, values, upbringing and expectations, and those things are shaped by the culture we grew up in and the generation we belong to.

Let me show you what I mean.

We all carry with us a set of money beliefs, stories we tell ourselves about what money is, what it means, and what we’re “supposed” to do with it. These beliefs don’t come out of nowhere. They’re passed down, often without words, from our families, communities, and the wider world around us.

We often don’t know what those beliefs (or stories) are, until they are challenged. Our money beliefs are buried deep inside us, and when they are challenged, we can be very defensive about them, which is why money can cause so much conflict within relationships.

For some families, talking about money is taboo (that was my experience growing up). In others, success is measured by how much you give away. Some cultures expect adult children to financially support their parents; others encourage independence as early as possible. None of these approaches are inherently right or wrong, but they will deeply shape how we think, feel and behave when it comes to our own money.

Add to that our generation, and you’ve got another powerful layer. If you were raised during a time of inflation, recession or instability, you may be more cautious, focused on security and debt-free living. If you grew up in boom times, you might feel more confident taking risks, or you might assume “things will work out” without a clear plan.

I still recall Mum and Dad telling the story of moving into their first home and sitting on beer crates, this of course when we were sitting on my lovely new lounge suite in my own new home. You don’t need me to tell you how the rest of that conversation went….

This isn’t just theory, I see these differences show up regularly in my work with couples and business owners who are struggling with the stuff called money.

Here’s a couple of examples.

I worked with a couple in their early 30s. They had good incomes and were saving, but they constantly argued about how much to help their extended families. They were going round and round in circles and getting nowhere. It was starting to impact their relationship.

After doing a bit of a deep dive into their life and drilling down into their beliefs we were able to find common ground. One partner had grown up in a close-knit Pacific household where financial support was seen as a shared responsibility and an act of love. The other had grown up with parents who believed “you make your own way.” Neither view was wrong, but once they understood why they saw things differently, and how they could honour both of their beliefs, they were able to resolve the conflict.

Another client, a Gen Z woman, felt a deep sense of guilt because she didn’t want to buy a house, despite saving diligently. Her parents (Boomers) saw home ownership as the ultimate financial goal. She saw flexibility, travel and career mobility as more important. They all felt frustrated, and none of them could really explain why.

Again, this came down to beliefs, and also values.  She wasn’t saying “I’m never going to buy a house,” she was saying “I’m not buying a house right now.” Once she could articulate that clearly to her parents, they were supportive of her life decisions and the guilt disappeared.

When we assume, we judge. When we don’t understand each other’s money stories, it’s easy to make assumptions like

“She’s just tight with money.”
“He doesn’t care about our future.”
“They’re being irresponsible.”
“You’re being old-fashioned.”

But often, we’re not arguing about money, we’re clashing over meaning. About what’s safe, generous, smart or respectful. And when those meanings are rooted in different life experiences, it can feel like we’re speaking completely different languages. This concept of different languages is what led me to David Krueger’s book The Secret Language of Money.

What can we do to start to see each other’s viewpoint?  The first step is curiosity.

Before jumping to conclusions, ask: “Where did that belief come from?” or “What did you learn about money growing up?”

These conversations can open up incredible insights and empathy. You might learn that your partner fears debt because their family lost everything. Or that your adult child isn’t lazy—they just value time more than things. Or that your parent isn’t trying to control you—they genuinely want you to be “safe” in the way they understand it.

Secondly, reflect on your own money origin story. What shaped your current beliefs? What feels “right” to you, and why?

Once you understand each other better, it’s much easier to find common ground. Start with shared values: “We both want stability.” “We both want to support our family, but in a sustainable way.” “We both value freedom, let’s define what that looks like.”

These conversations aren’t easy, as we need to understand ourselves and have the awareness of our own beliefs and values before we can explain them to others.  Sometimes this comes easily, and sometimes it’s like pulling out teeth, without anaesthetic!

Of one thing you can be sure, money is never just money. It’s memory, identity, culture, fear, love, and hope, all wrapped up in numbers and choices.

So, the next time you feel misunderstood or frustrated by someone else’s financial choices, pause. Get curious. Ask a question. Share your own story.

We don’t all think the same about money, and that’s okay. But with understanding and empathy, we can bridge the gap between where we come from and where we want to go, together.