‘I’m getting married in the morning!’
It’s summer and we are well into the wedding ‘season’. So, I thought we would have a chat about the money side.
I know as soon as the word wedding comes up, some backs will get up, ‘what a waste of money’, ‘you’d be better to put the money into a house’, or, I really love this one ‘why spend the money on the wedding when 50% (or some other unfounded ‘fact’ comes out) of marriages end in divorce’.
For others, the word wedding conjures up completely different thoughts. A stunning dress, beautiful flowers, looking amazing in wedding photos, and sharing the day with those you care about most. Including of course the person you are marrying.
As I am one of the statistics, of having the wedding and then the divorce. I am a tad cynical about spending a fortune on a wedding. I recall saying to my daughter, when she was still in her teens, that if ever she decided to get married, I would give her a ladder, tie a pink ribbon around it, so she could elope! That doesn’t stop me from enjoying going to weddings, and I have been to some pretty lavish ones, and very humble ones over the years and loved every minute of it.
For this week’s article, I am going to assume that the answer to the will we or won’t we have a wedding is a resounding Yes!
We all know that getting married is also one of the most stressful times in our lives, along with (ironically), getting divorced, buying a house, and starting a family. I’m going to add building a house to the list as well.
All this means emotions will be running high as you go through the planning process. There is so much to plan, whether you are having a huge wedding or a small intimate one, there’s a lot to think about. When, Where, who’s coming and the other big question of course; What is it going to cost? How is it going to be paid for?
The tradition of the bride’s family paying for the wedding, the groom paying for the alcohol at the reception and the happy couple focussing on the honeymoon, is a tradition that thankfully seems to be dying. The bride and groom now take a lot more responsibility for the costs themselves. I don’t think it’s just to give them control over the guest list either!
Being a guest at a wedding is also changing. About 10 years ago, friends were off to a wedding and were horrified that there was a cash bar at the reception, and they were expected to take a gift along as well! The expectation that attending a wedding and taking along a toaster as a gift entitled you to an evening of free food and booze is thankfully changing as well.
The first piece of advice always seems to be set a budget for the wedding and stick to it. But just like my house building budget, wedding budgets seem to be very fluid.
Plus, one of the most common emotions during the wedding planning phase is overwhelm, there’s so much to do, to create the perfect day. The more you try to create perfection, the more you ramp up the anxiety level, and when we get into the financial anxiety zone, making rational financial decisions becomes much harder, throwing the toys out of the cot, or just giving up and forgetting the whole budget are common responses to wedding overwhelm and anxiety.
So, when you are trying to work through the financial aspects of wedding planning, please bear that in mind. Your normal rational self may have well and truly left the building!
Weddings are a huge industry, everything from venues, catering, attire, photos, decorations, flowers, the list goes on. You may think you are creating your own unique wedding, but you really are just a cog in the business of creating weddings. Suppliers will try and talk you up, so you can have a better, more memorable wedding than the last person. Take your time to make the decisions, and let your rational brain catch up. And always check yourself with the question “is this going to really enhance the day, or is it just a nice to have”
You do need to start somewhere in planning the wedding budget. Find a good template and talk to friends who have recently got married and find out what surprises they had in their costs, it all helps build up the plan.
Out of curiosity, I downloaded a free wedding budget planner, there would have been at least 60 items to budget for and this was just the wedding itself, not the stag or hen’s night or rehearsal dinner.
Even the most dedicated lover of budgets might struggle with this, particularly if their spouse to be is more focused on having the ‘best day of my life and hang the expense’ attitude.
Start by focussing on what is the most important part of the wedding for you. Is it the dress, the food, the guests. No, you can’t say it’s everything unless you have an unlimited budget! There will be a couple of areas that you just aren’t prepared to compromise on, so pick one each, plan the budget for those first and then you can compromise and haggle a bit on the other areas that are still important, but if you had to prune the cost a bit, it would be OK.
Managing your own expectations of the day, can be hard enough, but you may also need to manage the expectations (and emotions) of parents, other family members, and friends. Social comparison is just a click away on Instagram and Pinterest. Remember this is your wedding, and if you are paying, then you get to make all the decisions. Not your parents, not your siblings, not your best mates and certainly not social media!
Finally, what about your guests? If most of the people on the invite list are friends that know you well, it will be much easier to bring up things like a cash bar, having a small afternoon tea rather than a sit-down meal, and of course gifts. Do you want things, or cash? Set these expectations early, so they know what is important to you. Then there won’t be any awkwardness like Aunty Jean turning up with a hideous vase, and everyone else has given you cash.
Before you know it, the big day arrives, it all goes to plan, and it is the day you have dreamed about. All that stress and anxiety was worth it.
At the end of the day, whatever you choose, and how much you spend on the big day. The focus should be on the MARRIAGE, not the WEDDING. The wedding is one day; the marriage is forever (we hope).