Difficult holiday conversations
It’s that time of year where the new batch of Christmas movies are released. I can’t help it, I have to watch a couple of them, and somehow, I always seem to end up watching the super cheesy ones, where boy meets girl, they don’t like each other at the start, but 90 minutes later, they are madly in love. Oh, if only the real world was like that!
The reality is this week is break up week. No, I don’t mean the end of the school term. It’s relationship breakup week. This is the week that couples who have been dating for a short period of time (generally less than a year) , so not long-term relationships, (their breakup week is in January), decide whether or not they can be bothered investing further in a relationship, by either buying a Christmas gift, or potentially meeting the extended family. Yes, money does come into the equation. “Do I like this person enough to buy a gift”, and if the answer is no, then you may well call it quits.
It’s not quite so easy to break up with our families. The holidays are supposed to be all about love, laughter, and cherished traditions – but let’s be real, money often sneaks into the picture too.
Whether it’s figuring out how to share hosting costs, or managing gift-giving expectations, these are not going to be easy conversations to have. As with any money conversation, timing is everything, bringing up money in the middle of charades or while enjoying your turkey, with all the trimmings of course, is not your best choice.
You want to have the conversation well before the big day arrives and you realise you have spent your rent money on the Xmas day nibbles!
Money is personal, it’s also very emotional, so depending on how your year has been financially, you may be feeling quite proud and want to share your successes with everyone, on the flip side, there will be some members of the family who haven’t fared so well and they will be feeling stressed and maybe even a bit of shame that they can’t be as generous as they would like to be or have been in the past.
The trick? Lead with honesty and vulnerability. You don’t have to share your circumstances with the whole family, a quiet conversation with your host, or another family member who can act as a bit of a go between is the way to handle it.
You might want to try something like this. “This year’s been a bit tight for me financially, and I’d love to chat about how we can keep the holidays joyful without overdoing it.” Or, I’ve had my best year ever, and I would love to treat everyone, but I don’t want to appear as if I’m showing off”
This does put quite a lot of responsibility on the host, but by you opening up and starting the conversation, can be a game changer, as you probably don’t know what is going on for them financially either.
Every family is different, and one-size-fits-all solutions rarely work. When you have the conversation, come up with a few ideas that you feel could work for everyone to keep the spending under control.
Here are a few suggestions:
- Secret Santa: Cut back on gift costs by drawing names so each person only buys one thoughtful present.
- Or have the secret Santa game, where you get to ‘steal’ presents from each other. Set a reasonable limit on the gift that will be manageable for the family that has say three children so needs to buy five gifts, vs Aunty Jean who is on her own.
- Shared Experiences: Skip the gifts and pool funds for something fun, like a family hike, a movie night, or even a cozy meal together. I remember being given babysitter vouchers one year. Best gift ever!
- Potluck Xmas dinner: Share the cost and the work by having everyone bring a dish. It’s collaborative and keeps things stress-free for the host. For the foodies amongst us, I like to have a menu plan, I haven’t quite forgotten the year we had three pavs, and no veges to go with the turkey.
The best part of Christmas should be about making memories, even if some of them aren’t great at the time, you can look back with fondness later on. It shouldn’t be about your bank balance and how much you can spend. Shift the focus from buying gifts to enjoying time together.
If you do decide to break up with the family for Christmas, or you don’t have family that you can spend time with, another option is to give your time and help others who have nothing, have a fun day and a good meal in their tummies.
Whatever your plans are I hope they are filled with fun, and the enjoyment of spending time with those you really want to be with. And if Santa does drop in with a little gift or two, it’s something that you will cherish for many years to come.