The Sandwich Generation
I was attending a networking event and as often happens when I am asked what I do, and I explain one of my hats is a money mentor who helps couples with their relationship with money (and each other), invariably a story comes out about a friend of a friend who could use my help. I listened with interest to this one.
The ‘friend’ married a woman who had, at the time, two teenage boys. He has no children. The relationship got through the teenage years and the whole stepdad thing. But the relationship is really struggling now; 20 years later. My interest was certainly piqued, and I asked why? Well, it seems the teenagers, now in their 30’s haven’t quite got around to leaving home yet. It’s almost got to the point of ‘it’s them or me!’
I don’t know this family, so I can’t comment on why they haven’t left home, or why it’s causing so much conflict now, so I am only speculating. Maybe stepdad thought he was going to be in this role for 5 years and then he and his wife could enjoy their lives together child free. Maybe the boys aren’t paying their way, and it’s starting to become a financial challenge.
This got me thinking about a term I came across a few years ago, called the sandwich generation. The idea of the sandwich generation emerged in the 1980s, initially focused on women in their 30s and 40s caring for young children while supporting elderly parents.
I decided to revisit the concept of the sandwich generation and found a very interesting article in The Washington Post that describes the sandwich generation as more of a Panini, there’s stuff oozing out the sides as those in this situation find themselves juggling elderly relatives, supporting adult children and helping out with grandchildren as well.
Today, it appears the term applies more broadly and doesn’t fit nicely into a particular age range. It’s anyone who is caring for (financially, emotionally and physically) both a younger and older loved one, or more.
I couldn’t help but add my own food analogy to the situation that mum and I are in, I think we’re more of a canape. We’ve decided to pool resources, and purchase a property that suits us both, we are both very independent with our own homes (once mine gets built that is!) but should anything happen in the future we are there for each other. I think more families are opting for this kind of living, the concept of the ‘granny flat’ is alive and well. And if granny (or grandad) is still fit an active, then a spot of grandchildren minding comes in handy too.
Several social changes have made life more complex for the sandwich generation. We’re living longer, having children later, and facing higher costs of living. Many parents find themselves financing young adult children, who might still be living at home, or returning adult children who want to save for a home of their own, or just can’t make ends meet flatting. In addition to this they are also contributing to the care of aging parents who may not be in a position meet their own needs through illness or lack of finances.
The old safety nets – like lifelong careers with pensions – are no longer guaranteed, leaving more people responsible for their own retirement planning. Without a solid financial plan, caregivers can quickly feel overwhelmed and financially stuck. Just when you think it’s time to slow down and start to enjoy life, you aren’t able to as you are busier than ever, looking after everyone else!
That’s the theory, but how does this work in practice for families who find themselves in this situation and how do they cope?
That’s what I would like to know. I could give you more theory and some tips on how to manage life as a sandwich family, but I’m not. Instead, I would love to hear from you in the comments, whether you are the filling, or on either side of the filling, what’s it like for you and your family?
What are you learning about each other? How do you communicate about finances? What boundaries and support do you have in place for the caregiver, so they don’t run out of steam.
What are the meaningful moments, those little nuggets of joy that keep you going when the going gets tough?
By sharing your stories, you can help others who may be heading down that pathway avoid some of the difficulties that you may have encountered.